Guitar Contessa - for thy weirdliness

I wish I could keep a log of those endless conversations I had at her balcony when we weren't lovers..when we weren't friends..but when we still knew we needed to talk to each other. But I only have to stand in the open verandah, feeling the cool air evaporate the sweat on my arm, and close my eyes. And it all comes back to me, like it was right here, right now.
I remember everything - though I wish I didn't. She steps towards me delicately and stands by my side. We don't really talk for a long time, something tells us words can't express what we have to say. We just stand there, our shoulders rubbing occassionally, the space between us becoming smaller by the minute, the sky turning a bright orange as the sun goes down. She wants to leave back, its late - I know. I also know she'll return tomorrow and we'll envelope ourselves in the peaceful sunset again. But insecurity grips me, I have fears I wish to discuss with her, but when I want to - I don't know what to say anymore.
I wish I could ask her to be mine forever, to tell her she and me are for life. But what when I die? When I die emotionally, when she goes away, to be someone else's? How long is forever anymore, is it a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, or this moment. Will I see her again - will we stand here and wait for our hearts to communicate to each other?
I think she knows what I feel, but she won't talk about it. I think she's looking for answers herself. But she has accepted it. She knows I would have to die. She wishes to commit the suicide herself. Was it not worth it, I want to scream. Was I not worth it? I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I sigh, a long heaving sigh.
She looks at me and nods. I know she knows. I know she pines. I know she loves. She loved. As I had.
Its dark. The velvet sky has engulfed the light. The stars don't twinkle. There is an eerie black cloud that takes over everything we planned. She murmurs a soft bye before stepping away, and disappearing into the black. I wish I had stopped her. I had said goodbye. I had told her that years later, I would still wait for her, still wish she was happy - still know that she'd be happiest with me. But I don't. I can't. Its meaningless - just like everything in my life will be.
And I die, not waiting to be reborn again as someone else's. Not waiting for a life without her. Not knowing whether she would even cry on my funeral. Just knowing enough - that it was love and it was worth it.